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Chapter IV The Disappearing Volume "Perhaps it would
bore her?" said Helen. "You know it isn't everybody that likes being
read to." "Oh, I should love
it!" exclaimed Titania. "I don't think anybody ever read to me, that
is not since I was a child." "Suppose we leave
you to look after the shop," said Helen to Roger, in a teasing mood,
"and I'll take Titania out to the movies. I think Tarzan
is still running." Whatever private
impulses Miss Chapman may have felt, she saw by the bookseller's
downcast face
that a visit to Tarzan would break
his heart, and she was prompt to disclaim any taste for the screen
classic. "Dear me," she
said; "Tarzan — that's all that nature stuff by John Burroughs; isn't
it? Oh,
Mrs. Mifflin, I think it would be very tedious. Let's have Mr. Mifflin
read to
us. I'll get down my knitting bag." "You mustn't mind
being interrupted," said Helen. "When anybody rings the bell Roger
has to run out and tend the shop." "You must let me do
it," said Titania. "I want to earn my wages, you know." "All right,"
said Mrs. Mifflin; "Roger, you settle Miss Chapman in the den and give
her
something to look at while we do the dishes." But Roger was all on
fire to begin the reading. "Why don't we postpone the dishes," he
said, "just to celebrate?" "Let me help,"
insisted Titania. "I should think washing up would be great fun." "No, no, not on
your first evening," said Helen. "Mr. Mifflin and I will finish them
in a jiffy." So Roger poked up the
coal fire in the den, disposed the chairs, and gave Titania a copy of Sartor Resartus to look at. He then
vanished into the kitchen with his wife, whence Titania heard the
cheerful
clank of crockery in a dishpan and the splashing of hot water. "The
best thing
about washing up," she heard Roger say, "is that it makes one's hands
so clean, a novel sensation for a second-hand bookseller." She gave Sartor Resartus
what is graphically described as a "once over," and then seeing the
morning Times lying on the table, picked it up, as she had not read it.
Her eye
fell upon the column headed LOST AND FOUND Fifty cents an agate
line and as she had recently
lost a
little pearl brooch, she ran hastily through it. She chuckled a little
over
LOST — Hotel Imperial
lavatory, set
of teeth. Call or communicate Steel, 134 East 43 St. Reward, no
questions
asked. Then she saw this: LOST — Copy of Thomas
Carlyle's
"Oliver Cromwell," between Gissing Street, Brooklyn, and the Octagon
Hotel. If found before midnight, Tuesday, Dec. 3, return to assistant
chef,
Octagon Hotel. "Why" she
exclaimed, "Gissing Street — that's here! And what a funny kind of book
for an assistant chef to read. No wonder their lunches have been so bad
lately!" When Roger and Helen
rejoined her in the den a few minutes later she showed the bookseller
the advertisement.
He was very much excited. "That's a funny
thing," he said. "There's something queer about that book. Did I tell
you about it? Last Tuesday — I know it was then because it was the
evening
young Gilbert was here — a man with a beard came in asking for it, and
it
wasn't on the shelf. Then the next night, Wednesday, I was up very late
writing, and fell asleep at my desk. I must have left the front door
ajar,
because I was waked up by the draught, and when I went to close the
door I saw
the book sticking out a little beyond the others, in its usual place.
And last
night, when the Corn Cobs were here, I went out to look up a quotation
in it, and
it was gone again." "Perhaps the
assistant chef stole it?" said Titania. "But if so, why the
deuce would he advertise having done so?" asked Roger. "Well, if he did
steal it," said Helen, "I wish him joy of it. I tried to read it
once, you talked so much about it, and I found it dreadfully dull." "If he did steal
it," cried the bookseller, "I'm perfectly delighted. It shows that my
contention is right: people DO really care for good books. If an
assistant chef
is so fond of good books that he has to steal them, the world is safe
for
democracy. Usually the only books any one wants to steal are sheer
piffle, like Making Life Worth While by Douglas
Fairbanks or Mother Shipton's Book of
Oracles. I don't mind a man stealing books if he steals good ones!" "You see the
remarkable principles that govern this business," said Helen to
Titania. They
sat down by the fire and took up their knitting while the bookseller
ran out to
see if the volume had by any chance returned to his shelves. "Is it there?"
said Helen, when he came back. "No," said
Roger, and picked up the advertisement again. "I wonder why he wants it
returned before midnight on Tuesday?" "So he can read it
in bed, I guess," said Helen. "Perhaps he suffers from
insomnia." "It's a darn shame
he lost it before he had a chance to read it. I'd like to have known
what he
thought of it. I've got a great mind to go up and call on him." "Charge it off to
profit and loss and forget about it," said Helen. "How about that
reading aloud?" Roger ran his eye along
his private shelves, and pulled down a well-worn volume. "Now that
Thanksgiving is past," he said, "my mind always turns to Christmas,
and Christmas means Charles Dickens. My dear, would it bore you if we
had a go
at the old Christmas Stories?" Mrs. Mifflin held up her
hands in mock dismay. "He reads them to me every year at this time,"
she said to Titania. "Still, they're worth it. I know good old Mrs.
Lirriper better than I do most of my friends." "What is it, the
Christmas Carol?" said Titania. "We had to read that in school." "No," said
Roger; "the other stories, infinitely better. Everybody gets the Carol
dinned into them until they're weary of it, but no one nowadays seems
to read
the others. I tell you, Christmas wouldn't be Christmas to me if I
didn't read
these tales over again every year. How homesick they make one for the
good old
days of real inns and real beefsteak and real ale drawn in pewter. My
dears,
sometimes when I am reading Dickens I get a vision of rare sirloin with
floury
boiled potatoes and plenty of horse-radish, set on a shining cloth not
far from
a blaze of English coal —" "He's an
incorrigible visionary," said Mrs. Mifflin. "To hear him talk you
might think no one had had a square meal since Dickens died. You might
think
that all landladies died with Mrs. Lirriper." "Very ungrateful of
him," said Titania. "I'm sure I couldn't ask for better potatoes, or
a nicer hostess, than I've found in Brooklyn." "Well, well,"
said Roger. "You are right, of course. And yet something went out of
the
world when Victorian England vanished, something that will never come
again. Take
the stagecoach drivers, for instance. What a racy, human type they
were! And
what have we now to compare with them? Subway guards? Taxicab drivers?
I have
hung around many an all-night lunchroom to hear the chauffeurs talk.
But they
are too much on the move, you can't get the picture of them the way
Dickens
could of his types. You can't catch that sort of thing in a snapshot,
you know:
you have to have a time exposure. I'll grant you, though, that
lunchroom food
is mighty good. The best place to eat is always a counter where the
chauffeurs
congregate. They get awfully hungry, you see, driving round in the
cold, and
when they want food they want it hot and tasty. There's a little
hash-alley
called Frank's, up on Broadway near 77th, where I guess the ham and
eggs and French
fried is as good as any Mr. Pickwick ever ate." "I must get Edwards
to take me there," said Titania. "Edwards is our chauffeur. I've been
to the Ansonia for tea, that's near there." "Better keep
away," said Helen. "When Roger comes home from those places he smells
so strong of onions it brings tears to my eyes." "We've just been
talking about an assistant chef," said Roger; "that suggests that I
read you Somebody's Luggage, which is
all about a head waiter. I have often wished I could get a job as a
waiter or a
bus boy, just to learn if there really are any such head waiters
nowadays. You
know there are all sorts of jobs I'd like to have, just to fructify my
knowledge of human nature and find out whether life is really as good
as
literature. I'd love to be a waiter, a barber, a floorwalker — " "Roger, my
dear," said Helen, "why don't you get on with the reading?" Roger knocked out his
pipe, turned Bock out of his chair, and sat down with infinite relish
to read
the memorable character sketch of Christopher, the head waiter, which
is dear
to every lover of taverns. "The writer of these humble lines being a
Waiter," he began. The knitting needles flashed with diligence, and the
dog by the fender stretched himself out in the luxuriant vacancy of
mind only
known to dogs surrounded by a happy group of their friends. And Roger,
enjoying
himself enormously, and particularly pleased by the chuckles of his
audience,
was approaching the ever-delightful items of the coffee-room bill which
is to
be found about ten pages on in the first chapter — how sad it is that
hotel
bills are not so rendered in these times — when the bell in the shop
clanged. Picking
up his pipe and matchbox, and grumbling "It's always the way," he
hurried out of the room. He was agreeably
surprised to find that his caller was the young advertising man, Aubrey
Gilbert. "Hullo!" he
said. "I've been saving something for you. It's a quotation from Joseph
Conrad about advertising." "Good enough,"
said Aubrey. "And I've got something for you. You were so nice to me
the
other evening I took the liberty of bringing you round some tobacco.
Here's a
tin of Blue-Eyed Mixture, it's my favourite. I hope you'll like it." "Bully for you. Perhaps
I ought to let you off the Conrad quotation since you're so kind." "Not a bit. I
suppose it's a knock. Shoot!" The bookseller led the way back to his
desk,
where he rummaged among the litter and finally found a scrap of paper
on which
he had written: Being myself animated by
feelings of affection toward my fellowmen, I am saddened by the modern
system
of advertising. Whatever evidence it offers of enterprise, ingenuity,
impudence, and resource in certain individuals, it proves to my mind
the wide
prevalence of that form of mental degradation which is called
gullibility. "What do you think
of that?" said Roger. "You'll find that in the story called The
Anarchist." "I think less than
nothing of it," said Aubrey. "As your friend Don Marquis observed the
other evening, an idea isn't always to be blamed for the people who
believe in
it. Mr. Conrad has been reading some quack ads, that's all. Because
there are
fake ads, that doesn't condemn the principle of Publicity. But look
here, what
I really came round to see you for is to show you this. It was in the
Times
this morning." He pulled out of his
pocket a clipping of the LOST insertion to which Roger's attention had
already
been drawn. "Yes, I've just
seen it," said Roger. "I missed the book from my shelves, and I
believe someone must have stolen it." "Well, now, I want
to tell you something," said Aubrey. "To-night I had dinner at the
Octagon with Mr. Chapman." "Is that so?" said Roger. "You
know his daughter's here now." "So he told me. It's
rather interesting how it all works out. You see, after you told me the
other
day that Miss Chapman was coming to work for you, that gave me an idea.
I knew
her father would be specially interested in Brooklyn, on that account,
and it
suggested to me an idea for a window-display campaign here in Brooklyn
for the Daintybits
Products. You know we handle all his sales promotion campaigns. Of
course I
didn't let on that I knew about his daughter coming over here, but he
told me
about it himself in the course of our talk. Well, here's what I'm
getting at. We
had dinner in the Czecho-Slovak Grill, up on the fourteenth floor, and
going up
in the elevator I saw a man in a chef's uniform carrying a book. I
looked over
his shoulder to see what it was. I thought of course it would be a
cook-book. It
was a copy of Oliver Cromwell." "So he found it
again, eh? I must go and have a talk with that chap. If he's a Carlyle
fan I'd
like to know him." "Wait a minute. I
had seen the LOST ad in the paper this morning, because I always look
over that
column. Often it gives me ideas for advertising stunts. If you keep an
eye on
the things people are anxious to get back, you know what they really
prize, and
if you know what they prize you can get a line on what goods ought to
be
advertised more extensively. This was the first time I had ever noticed
a LOST
ad for a book, so I thought to myself "the book business is coming
up." Well, when I saw the chef with the book in his hand, I said to him
jokingly,
"I see you found it again." He was a foreign-looking fellow, with a
big beard, which is unusual for a chef, because I suppose it's likely
to get in
the soup. He looked at me as though I'd run a carving knife into him,
almost
scared me the way he looked. "Yes, yes," he said, and shoved the book
out of sight under his arm. He seemed half angry and half frightened,
so I
thought maybe he had no right to be riding in the passenger elevator
and was
scared someone would report him to the manager. Just as we were getting
to the
fourteenth floor I said to him in a whisper, "It's all right, old chap,
I'm not going to report you." I give you my word he looked more scared
than before. He went quite white. I got off at the fourteenth, and he
followed
me out. I thought he was going to speak to me, but Mr. Chapman was
there in the
lobby, and he didn't have a chance. But I noticed that he watched me
into the
grill room as though I was his last chance of salvation." "I guess the poor
devil was scared you'd report him to the police for stealing the book,"
said Roger. "Never mind, let him have it." "Did he steal
it?" "I haven't a
notion. But somebody did, because it disappeared from here." "Well, now, wait a
minute. Here's the queer part of it. I didn't think anything more about
it,
except that it was a funny coincidence my seeing him after having
noticed that
ad in the paper. I had a long talk with Mr. Chapman, and we discussed
some
plans for a prune and Saratoga chip campaign, and I showed him some
suggested
copy I had prepared. Then he told me about his daughter, and I let on
that I
knew you. I left the Octagon about eight o'clock, and I thought I'd run
over
here on the subway just to show you the LOST notice and give you this
tobacco. And
when I got off the subway at Atlantic Avenue, who should I see but
friend chef
again. He got off the same train I did. He had on civilian clothes
then, of
course, and when he was out of his white uniform and pancake hat I
recognized
him right off. Who do you suppose it was?" "Can't
imagine," said Roger, highly interested by this time. "Why, the
professor-looking guy who came in to ask for the book the first night I
was
here." "Humph! Well, he
must be keen about Carlyle, because he was horribly disappointed that
evening
when he asked for the book and I couldn't find it. I remember how he
insisted
that I must have it, and I hunted all
through the History shelves to make sure it hadn't got misplaced. He
said that
some friend of his had seen it here, and he had come right round to buy
it. I
told him he could certainly get a copy at the Public Library, and he
said that
wouldn't do at all." "Well, I think he's
nuts," said Aubrey, "because I'm damn sure he followed me down the
street after I left the subway. I stopped in at the drug store on the
corner to
get some matches, and when I came out, there he was underneath the
lamp-post." "If it was a modern
author, instead of Carlyle," said Roger, "I'd say it was some
publicity stunt pulled off by the publishers. You know they go to all
manner of
queer dodges to get an author's name in print. But Carlyle's copyrights
expired
long ago, so I don't see the game." "I guess he's
picketing your place to try and steal the formula for eggs Samuel
Butler,"
said Aubrey, and they both laughed. "You'd better come
in and meet my wife and Miss Chapman," said Roger. The young man made
some
feeble demur, but it was obvious to the bookseller that he was vastly
elated at
the idea of making Miss Chapman's acquaintance. "Here's a friend of
mine," said Roger, ushering Aubrey into the little room where Helen and
Titania were still sitting by the fire. "Mrs. Mifflin, Mr. Aubrey
Gilbert,
Miss Chapman, Mr. Gilbert." Aubrey was vaguely aware
of the rows of books, of the shining coals, of the buxom hostess and
the
friendly terrier; but with the intense focus of an intelligent young
male mind
these were all merely appurtenances to the congenial spectacle of the
employee.
How quickly a young man's senses assemble and assimilate the data that
are
really relevant! Without seeming even to look in that direction he had
performed the most amazing feat of lightning calculation known to the
human faculties.
He had added up all the young ladies of his acquaintance, and found the
sum
total less than the girl before him. He had subtracted the new
phenomenon from
the universe as he knew it, including the solar system and the
advertising
business, and found the remainder a minus quantity. He had multiplied
the
contents of his intellect by a factor he had no reason to assume
"constant," and was startled at what teachers call (I believe) the
"product." And he had divided what was in the left-hand armchair into
his own career, and found no room for a quotient. All of which
transpired in
the length of time necessary for Roger to push forward another chair. With the politeness
desirable in a well-bred youth, Aubrey's first instinct was to make
himself
square with the hostess. Resolutely he occluded blue eyes, silk
shirtwaist, and
admirable chin from his mental vision. "It's awfully good
of you to let me come in," he said to Mrs. Mifflin. "I was here the
other evening and Mr. Mifflin insisted on my staying to supper with
him." "I'm very glad to
see you," said Helen. "Roger told me about you. I hope he didn't
poison you with any of his outlandish dishes. Wait till he tries you
with
brandied peaches a la Harold Bell Wright." Aubrey uttered some
genial reassurance, still making the supreme sacrifice of keeping his
eyes away
from where (he felt) they belonged. "Mr. Gilbert has
just had a queer experience," said Roger. "Tell them about it." In the most reckless
way, Aubrey permitted himself to be impaled upon a direct and
interested flash
of blue lightning. "I was having dinner with your father at the
Octagon." The high tension voltage
of that bright blue current felt like ohm sweet ohm, but Aubrey dared
not risk
too much of it at once. Fearing to blow out a fuse, he turned in panic
to Mrs.
Mifflin. "You see," he explained, "I write a good deal of Mr.
Chapman's advertising for him. We had an appointment to discuss some
business
matters. We're planning a big barrage on prunes." "Dad works much too
hard, don't you think?" said Titania. Aubrey welcomed this as
a pleasant avenue of discussion leading into the parkland of Miss
Chapman's
family affairs; but Roger insisted on his telling the story of the chef
and the
copy of Cromwell. "And he followed
you here?" exclaimed Titania. "What fun! I had no idea the book
business was so exciting." "Better lock the
door to-night, Roger," said Mrs. Mifflin, "or he may walk off with a
set of the Encyclopaedia Britannica." "Why, my
dear," said Roger, "I think this is grand news. Here's a man, in a
humble walk of life, so keen about good books that he even pickets a
bookstore
on the chance of swiping some. It's the most encouraging thing I've
ever heard
of. I must write to the Publishers' Weekly about it." "Well," said
Aubrey, "you mustn't let me interrupt your little party." "You're not
interrupting," said Roger. "We were only reading aloud. Do you know
Dickens' Christmas Stories?" "I'm afraid I
don't." "Suppose we go on
reading, shall we?" "Please do." "Yes, do go
on," said Titania. "Mr. Mifflin was just reading about a most
adorable head waiter in a London chop house." Aubrey begged permission
to light his pipe, and Roger picked up the book. "But before we read
the
items of the coffee-room bill," he said, "I think it only right that
we should have a little refreshment. This passage should never be read
without
something to accompany it. My dear, what do you say to a glass of
sherry all
round?" "It is sad to have
to confess it," said Mrs. Mifflin to Titania, "Mr. Mifflin can never
read Dickens without having something to drink. I think the sale of
Dickens
will fall off terribly when prohibition comes in." "I once took the
trouble to compile a list of the amount of liquor drunk in Dickens'
works," said Roger, "and I assure you the total was astounding: 7,000
hogsheads, I believe it was. Calculations of that sort are great fun. I
have
always intended to write a little essay on the rainstorms in the
stories of
Robert Louis Stevenson. You see R. L. S. was a Scot, and well
acquainted with
wet weather. Excuse me a moment, I'll just run down cellar and get up a
bottle." Roger left the room, and
they heard his steps passing down into the cellar. Bock, after the
manner of
dogs, followed him. The smells of cellars are a rare treat to dogs,
especially
ancient Brooklyn cellars which have a cachet all their own. The cellar
of the
Haunted Bookshop was, to Bock, a fascinating place, illuminated by a
warm glow
from the furnace, and piled high with split packing-cases which Roger
used as kindling.
From below came the rasp of a shovel among coal, and the clear, musical
slither
as the lumps were thrown from the iron scoop onto the fire. Just then
the bell
rang in the shop. "Let me go,"
said Titania, jumping up. "Can't I?"
said Aubrey. "Nonsense!"
said Mrs. Mifflin, laying down her knitting. "Neither of you knows
anything about the stock. Sit down and be comfortable. I'll be right
back." Aubrey and Titania
looked at each other with a touch of embarrassment. "Your father sent
you his — his kind regards," said Aubrey. That was not what he had
intended
to say, but somehow he could not utter the word. "He said not to read
all
the books at once." Titania laughed. "How
funny that you should run into him just when you were coming here. He's
a duck,
isn't he?" "Well, you see I
only know him in a business way, but he certainly is a corker. He
believes in
advertising, too." "Are you crazy
about books?" "Why, I never
really had very much to do with them. I'm afraid you'll think I'm
terribly
ignorant — " "Not at all. I'm
awfully glad to meet someone who doesn't think it's a crime not to have
read
all the books there are." "This is a queer
kind of place, isn't it?" "Yes, it's a funny
idea to call it the Haunted Bookshop. I wonder what it means." "Mr. Mifflin told
me it meant haunted by the ghosts of great literature. I hope they
won't annoy
you. The ghost of Thomas Carlyle seems to be pretty active." "I'm not afraid of
ghosts," said Titania. Aubrey gazed at the
fire. He wanted to say that he intended from now on to do a little
haunting on
his own account but he did not know just how to break it gently. And
then Roger
returned from the cellar with the bottle of sherry. As he was uncorking
it,
they heard the shop door close, and Mrs. Mifflin came in. "Well, Roger,"
she said; "if you think so much of your old Cromwell, you'd better keep
it
in here. Here it is." She laid the book on the table. "For the love of
Mike!" exclaimed Roger. "Who brought it back?" "I guess it was
your friend the assistant chef," said Mrs. Mifflin. "Anyway, he had a
beard like a Christmas tree. He was mighty polite. He said he was
terribly
absent minded, and that the other day he was in here looking at some
books and
just walked off with it without knowing what he was doing. He offered
to pay
for the trouble he had caused, but of course I wouldn't let him. I
asked if he
wanted to see you, but he said he was in a hurry." "I'm almost
disappointed," said Roger. "I thought that I had turned up a real
booklover. Here we are, all hands drink the health of Mr. Thomas
Carlyle." The toast was drunk, and
they settled themselves in their chairs. "And here's to the
new employee," said Helen. This also was dispatched,
Aubrey draining his glass with a zeal which did not escape Miss
Chapman's
discerning eye. Roger then put out his hand for the Dickens. But first
he
picked up his beloved Cromwell. He
looked at it carefully, and then held the volume close to the light. "The mystery's not
over yet," he said. "It's been rebound. This isn't the original
binding." "Are you
sure?" said Helen in surprise. "It looks the same." "The binding has
been cleverly imitated, but it can't fool me. In the first place, there
was a
rubbed corner at the top; and there was an ink stain on one of the end
papers." "There's still a
stain there," said Aubrey, looking over his shoulder. "Yes, but not the
same stain. I've had that book long enough to know it by heart. Now
what the
deuce would that lunatic want to have it rebound for?" "Goodness
gracious," said Helen, "put it away and forget about it. We'll all be
dreaming about Carlyle if you're not careful." |